3 May

Another tournament tomorrow. Same location and sponsoring club as the last tournament, but this will be a D and under, not an E and under. Went into the last tournament expecting to lose every bout, and considering the competition will be tougher this time I should probably have the same expectation.

I’m going to win a bout, at some point. Probably won’t be tomorrow, but it’s going to happen some day.

Went into the last tournament with three goals (compete, finish stronger than I start, don’t implode). For tomorrow, I have a new list of three goals:

1. No wardrobe malfunctions! Ineligible mask, missing equipment — really tired of the melodrama I’ve gone through the last couple tournaments. A clean day, with no obstacles. That’s all I want.

2. Relax. Had a good time at the last tournament, but I was tense, waiting for something bad to happen. Want to go into tomorrow with the attitude that I’m going to have a blast, and let what happens come as it will. Being relaxed will also help me overcome this lingering paranoid feeling that I don’t really belong.

3. Compartmentalize. This is something my coach has been talking to me about lately. Has to do with focus, about setting aside all my distractions when I get on strip and not letting any of my insecurities get in my way of fencing. That monkey on my back — tell him to leave me alone for a while, he can hop back onto his perch when the bout’s over, but for the next several minutes, give it a rest.

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