Implode

16 Mar

Had an opportunity to compete in that January tournament, but only if I had put up a fight, refused to leave without doing all I could to overcome the mask problem. (My coach said later she probably could have found a spare mask for me to borrow.) Instead, I chose not to fight, decided that if I wasn’t going to feel invited, I’d just withdraw.

In other words, I imploded. Let the pressure of the situation collapse my resolve. The same way I’ve reacted to every tournament I’ve entered, only difference this time was that the implosion didn’t happen after realizing I wasn’t going to have the success I’d assumed — no, this implosion happened before I ever got to that point.

Again, this has been my experience at every fencing tournament I’ve entered. It’s a horrific feeling, something I need to fight the next time I compete.

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